I was raised to please the expectations of others, to “fit in.” The only person who tried to teach me something different was my mother, but she was not consistent, she did not have the emotional resources to be consistent. It wasn't easy for me. I fought with myself because what I “really was”, what I thought, what I felt, what I wanted to do had nothing to do with what I was supposed to be, think, feel, do… I am a rebel. For nature.
I went through many painful moments, a lot of sadness, a lot of anger... I felt suffocated, trapped. And I ended up buying the point of view that I was simply wrong, I had a serious problem, an underlying problem...
I didn't know that suffering is not real, but a choice, so I suffered a lot. I let my mind be my master and gave free rein to victim thoughts; They all made the experience seem very real. I was just a victim of my choices and my lack of faith.
At times I managed to glimpse my true Being... I let it come out to breathe, come into the light, show itself to the world, and then hide it again.
I don't want to say that I didn't have good moments, that everything was "bad." Nothing to see. My beliefs at the time simply didn't help me much... nor did my companies at that time. I became a person who judged everything that was different... perhaps because I wanted so much to be able to allow myself to be different.
Life always presented me with opportunities to find my truth, to learn... but my level of consciousness at that moment did not allow it.
I kept searching... without knowing what I was looking for. The desire of my heart was too great to be overshadowed. And, little by little, opportunities began to arrive that opened my eyes to life, to the new, to different possibilities... More conscious concepts at the beginning. Theory. At the end of the day, it WAS possible to live differently... I was the key to change.
I was integrating these theoretical concepts at the pace I could and... little by little more revealing, deeper, more drastic things arrived. I broke many paradigms, I started a process of self-discovery that is still in process, I went inward... now I knew that the answers were there. I learned to recognize the importance of my thoughts, to be friends with my emotions, to reconcile with myself.
I realized the great strength of my heart. He had to overcome so many things... so much so that my memory was almost all erased as a defense mechanism. Still deleted. And it's OK. Maybe I'll get it back, maybe I won't. I don't fight with that. I know that my unconscious is just protecting me. I've made peace with that. I don't need memories to heal; I can do it from my reactions and my perceptions in the present.
Every day my level of consciousness increases. Many times, in the moment I realize that I don't like what is happening, it feels heavy, it goes against me... And I also realize when I like something, it makes me feel light, it makes me expand...
Now I have clearer, more integrated, the fact that I go first. That, if I am not well, anything I offer to the world will leave much to be desired... I am aware that the external situation is only a reflection of my internal situation and vice versa. I am aware that the people in my life are mirrors that reflect what I see in myself. The good and bad".
I am willing to make drastic changes, even if sometimes they don't feel comfortable to make or even hurt deeply. My loyalty is to myself. If I'm not loyal to myself, I can't be loyal to anyone else. What I don't give myself, no one else will give me. I am no longer willing to betray myself for someone else's needs or people's opinions – even if they are important people to me. Even less am I willing to follow what “institutions” or “society” say… I am willing to be “selfish.” As Jorge Bucay says:
If someone says to me: “Selfish!” What are you saying?
He is telling me: “Don't think about yourself, think about me.”
Who is the selfish one?